marking the first important page

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Im glad i still can tick some of the numbers 🙂

Love lust, mixed signals, growing apart and heartache. But thats growing up.

I have lived for 22 years. And in that amount of years I have breathed and gained experience, I have changed. Multiple times. I have not stayed the same and I have outgrown alot of things. I have fallen into the dark side, and I have seen the light. I have repeated my mistakes, and I have vowed to not do the same thing again. I have made friends with the wrong people, and I have lost the ones I loved most.

But Im human. Yet sometimes I think nobody realizes that.

I was never one to keep quiet about things, because I believe if I have something to say, Ill say it. Well, most of the time, at least. And I never liked hiding the real me because that would make me another hypocrite. I cant handle being a two-faced much either so I usually isolate myself and try my hardest to keep away from the people I dont have much liking for. And the people I call friends? I wouldnt lie to them. But seems to me, that people prefer being lied to than being told the truth. So what do I do, lie? Not be myself? Act like everyone else just so I could keep my friendship?

Sorry, doesnt work for me that way.

I miss alot of things. Countless of people and abounding memories. But Im not sure if these people feel the same way I do, you know? I dont blame them, I blame myself for being such a sentimental freak. But itd be nice to discover someone who understands the way I feel, in fact feel the way I feel. But perhaps thats too much to ask for. I knew something was not right from the beginning, but I keep it to myself. I rather not respond or take action as I believe, its human nature to judge, assume and conclude after hearing from one side. Ahh. Forget it. To think about it back, am I wrong to be different? Am I wrong to have flaws and weaknesses? Put yourself in my shoe, you are lucky you still have not gone through this and so, you can expect everyone to do as much what you believe. Remember, no one has the same point of view like you do.

Letters, borrowed sweaters, scribbles on notes, little gestures, necklaces, random gifts – they are things I hold on to. None of the things have gone to waste as I appreciate the value of that particular something. I may have lost, but I can never forget. Sometimes I have the urge to pick up the phone and make that phone call Ive always wanted to, but then Ill pull back because of fear of bad timing. Something Im not proud of, definitely. I wish I could do something without thinking twice. But I know life is not like what we see in movies. The aftermath may not be what we wish for, what we secretly hope for.

imageNo one appreciates something for long now do they? I dont know anymore. Its like no matter how good you are to someone, one mistake, one wrong conversation, one wrongdoing and thats it. Youre out. I mean like really, what fuckery is this? Human beings are weird. I know Im weird, but at least I know how to forgive, get a grip, and let it go. Unfortunately for me, Im doomed with such adversity. It hurt me so bad to think that ive never tell you about myself but you are trying to fix everything when you should ask me, get to know me and finally conclude in making decision. Or am i wrong here? You were not wrong. You were right from the beginning. But again, put yourself in my shoe.

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It will be okay in the end though, wouldnt it? I suppose thats what we tell ourselves and since we are at the beginning point, the end is the only thing we are looking forward to. Question is, what do we do in between? Im tired of feeling terrible about everything, tired of meeting people with the same old attitude, tired of constant letdowns. But doesnt look like I have any other choice now do I. Im exhausted really. But im so lucky, you are not in the list of people i should keep. Because, these people believe in me. They accept me, they tell me the truth, they dont simply give me codes and hints just to change me, and worse, trying to judge as if theyve heard from my side. However, who am I for you to listen? Things like this is one of the reason i have never give any judgement on peoples private stuff especially when it comes to the involvement of other people (especially the ones i may not know anything). Thank God, i do not have friends who would simply minding my private matters and worse, making others feel bad about themself. I can promise and swear i have never tell anyone about my privacy besides the two people ive trusted most. And thank you for making me realise how weak i am for being weird, different from your point of view, and of course, for having this one particular weakness when i thought having him, can help me change. I have promised to myself as i will change to be a better person, to fix what is unfixed and learnt from what you have taught me all this while. I never imagine that having a weakness can be sinner than having a bad proclivity.

Being hopeful and having faith, now thats never gonna change.

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