I had a thought last night. I was thinking about love and how foolish it is to allow most of your happiness to depend on its presence or lack. I’m sure its wonderful. I understand the ache for it, I do. But how can you let your personal happiness depend so much on someone elses actions? This is your journey and no one elses and if they happen to converge for a bit, well then thats beautiful. But what if they depart? If you spend your days waiting for the person, the love, to make you happy, are you prepared to give up that happiness if it doesnt work out?
I believe in love. I hope for love. But last night I had a thought that I want to be happy whether Im alone or theres someone next to me. I want my personal happiness to run so deep that nothing can disturb it. I want my happiness to be an undeniable part of me. Love comes and goes but Im not willing to have my happiness be so fleeting; the world is just too beautiful and life too short to waste any of it being made miserable by circumstance.
I might afraid of the past
repeating back into my life, but thats how I learn and experience things. Im afraid of losing him as I do not want to feel the heartbreak again and for almost five years, I feel so attached to him that I cant imagine being any further from him. I have realised how important he is to me and everytime his name pops up, the feeling.. Oh.. Can I have it forever?
Have faith in Allah swt. Mama keeps on reminding me how powerful prayers can be. When we trust the AlMighty, we are well prepared for the outcomes no matter which side it will be. InsyaAllah.