i know some things can change. like when you really love someone but end up hating them. Or perhaps you really love them but somethings going on and you have to stop.


5 years in Indonesia and ive met alot of people that come and go. But these people here, i never stop thinking about them cuz I really miss them. I never had any relationship with anyone (apart from my family) that i feel.. home. Who are they? Family Makassar. Tante Ros, Om Hamzah, Indri, kak Innah and everyone in Panakkukang. Tante and om are like my own parents. Whenever i think about thm, i can only pray for their health and happiness. I love them like my own parents.

And Indri? Shes like my sister. I hope shes doing okay. I hope she doesnt think that I hate her or ive forgotten her. I hope she can persue in whatever she loves, I hope she found her true prince, I hope she found a sister who can be there for her and I hope shes happy.

as for others, im sorry. For whatever ive done. They are like my family too. But for some stuff, i have to let things go.


I miss everyone. For all things that happened, people will call me stupid cuz i still love them like my own family. 3 years ++ with them. I shall never forget these good memories ❤️




Im back with writing!
Probably you will be wondering with my current situation right now as i was in ‘not available’ blog status. But im back! Because i was thinking, i should write just so mr Lemon could spend 3-4 minutes of his day reading my blog. At least i want him to know things going on around me and yes! I need his attention. Wait. HIS attention. Not yours. Not everyone. Okay. That is so… Blunt. 

Dear mr Lemon,

I understand how busy you are. Like i said, i trust tou. And sometimes i just want your presence here. You probably dont reply my text because you are so focus with your work at the hospital but its okay. I understand. Its enough for me to know that you read my blog eveyday, you listen to my endless ramblings and you know my situation here. Thats all. I hope you dont miss anything. I want to keep update on you but, nahh. I know things will come on the right time if you know what i mean. Take care 🙂 

So here we are.

I just came back from Toraja with my makassar family. It was FUN! Although theres certain part im not happy with but overall, IM GOING TO MISS MY MAKASSAR FAMILY. Ive learnt that, God is so wise. I may missed a lot of things especially bad things currenly happening around me and involve ME, but somehow, God made me choose to spend my holiday with them and He open my eyes for everything I may not get clear view with. And im so thankful with that. Secondly i learnt, Kebenaran tidak akan dapat disembunyikan jika hati tidak tenang. Dan ketahuilah, Tuhan tidak akan menganiaya hambanya terutama apabila difitnah. But in the end, i realised that human make mistakes 🙂 so i forgive them dunya and akhirah. Life has ups and downs. The only way you can become happy and find peace is when you choose to forgive and forget 🙂

Aku bersyukur dengan kehadiran kamu.

Walaupun kamu bukan seperti cowok atau pasangan lain yang mungkin setiap hari balas text, telfon, kencan, tapi aku ga tau kenapa hati ku tenang. Tidak pernah merasakan gundah atau galau seperti orang lain. Meraka sering bertanya ‘kenapa bisa kamu terima dia?’ ‘Kenapa bisa kamu tunggu walaupun hanya dibalas sekali dalam seminggu’ ‘gimana kalau dia selingkuh speerti mantan mu lain?’

Aku hanya bisa jawab

‘Aku ga tau. Setiap hari hanya doa aku titip ke Tuhan buat dia dan keluarganya’

Jujur, tidak pernah sekali dalam hati ku tidak percaya sama dia. Dan menurutku itu adalah perasaan terbaik dari Tuhan dan Tuhan memberikan yang terbaik buat diri ku. Amin.
+ Eleena Ahmad

Al-Alim Al- Karim


There’s certain point at a random time, something will trigger your mind that makes you think “how the fuck it could happen?!”

How’s your day today? Good? Not good? Alhamdulillah. Still breathing, still can read and hold your gadget to click the button visit and read my blog. I just finished doing a visit at a primary school situated at Mojokerto, approximately two hours from my house for public health posting and gave a talk on dental health education. Personally Im feeling very happy to have this kind of opportunity in helping children on how to maintain having a good oral health but at the same time, grateful for I was born and raised in a better condition. Judging the facilities and how limited their knowledge on health, I can’t thankful enough on how God has plan everything (the best) for me. I’m at the right place. I believe they need me, their generation needs me. I promise myself to always help people as best as I can and to treat them whenever they need me. It was such a relief to see how happy they were and the children even ask me if I could stay and come back again tomorrow. Unfortunately I have works to do at the clinic and told them to come if they miss me. Well definitely a good way to persuade them to visit the dentist every time they need any treatment because the main cause of not coming to the clinic even though its free (yeap its free) is because they see dentists as monsters and afraid with dental equipments. Sure, I was like that too haha but it taught me that having a good relationship and communication with kids or anyone, can actually persuade them to agree or accept with the treatment and knowledge we have given to them also making them fully understand about the talk we gave.

Besides, after almost a week here with my fellow colleagues, away from the city, I found my inner peace and happiness that I have yet found in my life before. I love to travel, bag packing, survival, but after I went through some major life breaks, I realized the true happiness and inner peace is helping people. I can be the happiest when I see people around me feel the same way. The only way I can do that is to help them. I forgot almost everything thats happening around me and my dark pasts and my problems when I see smiles on those people I’ve helped. The feeling is undescribable! I remember the first time I receive a thankful note and a gratitude message from my patient.. God knows how happy I was. Until now, the main purpose I’m giving treatment is to help people besides for dental health reasons..  Hehe. But seeing them happy satisfy me the most.

For what I have now, from where I stand now, Im thankful to my beloved parents who have raised me well until Ive become what I am now. I’m grateful for every fate and destiny God has planned for me. I may not be here without the blessings and not forgotten, everyone who never forget to mention me in their prayers.







Time can heal and reveal

Newly weds, bachelor parties, a fancy way of asking a girl The Question. Signs of two persons getting together, creating something. The start of something new. They say we were born because we are going to be important to someone. I believe in soulmates, always have. Some people are lucky. They’ve found theirs at a very young age, which gives bonus time to spend it together, to learn about one another more. What is life without getting any love anyway. Personal love. As in a one-to-one thing.

We all need a life partner. No matter what age. Yes, we have friends. But doesnt everybody. Although I am not emphasizing on boyfriend/girlfriend. Not exactly. Sometimes all you need is a best friend. One ultimately close person you’ve got and is good enough as it is. Maybe the time hasn’t come yet for them, but soon it will. And I don’t see anything wrong with not having a particularly special person when you have a girl or a boy who is close to all that you need. Not when you’re happy with it. But of course, nothing beats having one person all to your own 🙂 I admit, sometimes I hate sharing. Teehee.

Do you notice when you fall in love, you start to become more selfish? In alot of ways. You start to want more time on your own with your lover and cut time with friends a little bit shorter than usual. You’d get jealous eventhough your partner was just catching up with a boy or a girl whom they know and bumped into by the streets. You don’t allow your friends to use your phone much cause you wanna save up for calling your special one. And the list goes on. I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing. It goes by nature and it is just the way things are. But I can’t say I’m much like any of what I mentioned. Was just from my imagination of people. Makes sense.

Everybody needs the two to his/her one. How can we live without someone by our side? Its sad if you ask me. I hate how some humans are living in denial and think they’re fine on their own. Not even a few special friends. Sure you die with no one to cling on to but as we are living right now, this present tense, we do need someone to turn to. Someone to share a news with, no matter how small, someone to hold on to and having his/her arms around you when things get tough. We’re all a little vulnerable. A little insecure. We’re scared of the idea of being alone in this big scary world. Dont let your pride or your ego get in the way. Its not worth it. 

Learn to open up and let people into your life. Believe me, the outcome is worth it. It is hard. But like people always said, ‘time can heal everything’. I’ve been there before especially when I was so hoping he could be the one, but oh well, God knows best. My religion teaches me to believe in qada and qadar which is, fate and destiny. It has been planned well by The Almighty, I am very sure He only wants the best for me. Amin. 

For those who are already have someone they can always look up to and care for, appreciate your partner as much as he/she wants you in his/her life. You are so lucky to have someone who would think of you everyday, everynight and would be so excited everytime they talk about you and your relationship. Congratulations, you have made someone the happiest! You have shared your happiness with them and it will be continuous as they will share with others too. :’)

I’m hitting the sack now, readers. I have been sleeping early nowadays since I have so many things to catch up onto! From morning until evening with the same routine with Diana searching patients for our requirements. I cannot wait giving them treatments. I love helping those in need and the feeling when I get to see them smiling is…. indescribable! unexplainable! I hope I can be a good dentist and serve well for people besides inspire them to keep their oral health in good condition! Amin. 

P/s; For the first time he reminds me to take dinner! Omg!

Bigger than infinity

eleena ahmad

It took a while for me to dig up all those picture ive collected as many as i can. The first left 3×3 squares are during 1st and 2nd. You can see us holding bones and how FAT i was. Next 3×3 squares are 3rd and 4th semester. Below left 3×3 squares were duribg 5th and 6th. And finally, 7th till now pictures. 

I realised, when mama said ‘friends come first’ whenever I have some shitty moments back during high school , when I didnt even care what she said.. God finally gave me the proof. (Probably He wants me to tell the same thing to my children?) Haha. Took some time. But you see those pictures especially the last 3×3 squares. They were the ones who were there during my hardest and worst. From the beginning, it wasnt easy. Pasti gaduh. And until now. But, thank you so much for these two creatures as they have always be my mom, my dad, my ustazah (haha), my dietician, my diary, my counselor, my doctors, my annoying sisters etcetc. Not just me but everyone have witnessed how close we are. they are bad and good days we faced together but deff lesson learnt for us. If in future, whoever ask me, or perhaps my own family, who are they? I would say, they were the one who have always be my scrumhalf-ers when im having “rugby” moment. Rugby players sure know what it means. Hehe. So my post here are going to be in 3 languages. Haha. Indonesia, Malaysia dan inggresis

To diana, 

Terima kasih. Udah terima aku, kurang nya aku, gilanya aku, semua. Ada waktu kamu pasti sebel sama aku walaupun setiap hari ketemu, udah pulang juga ketemu.. Di Line. Haha. Tapi ga pernah kamu ngomong kamu udah capek atau udah menyerah temanan sama aku. Kamu ada waktu aku sakit, lagi nangis, lagi gembira banget, lagi marah. Dan ga pernah mengeluh. Kalau ada, pasti aku lupa. Makanya aku bilang, ga pernah. Kamu ada kurang mu. Aku juga ada. Tapi kita terima dan makanya bisa sampai sekarang jalan bareng dan paling lucu, kamu ngambek aku ga text sama kamu waktu libur. Haha. Maaf yah. Terima kasih udah nyetir waktu aku lagi perlukan dan sering percaya sama buruknya aku. 

To christine, 

You are like a sister to me. The wisest (not always ;p) when giving advices, the one who always never care about stuff i shouldnt do, you have your big-sister ego, the one who corrects me in everything and yeah.. More like a google. Thank you, aku ingat waktu kau rush pergi kos aku masa bank card aku hilang and kau tolong kasi aku ubat masa aku sakit. Ingat lagi? Segala kebaikan kau aku ingat. And kadang kadang kau buat aku panas, aku fikir balik apa kau da buat untuk aku. Thank you for accepting me although it was kindda hard at times. I knew. But you are the honest one who will tell every of my wrong doings straight to my face. It never a bad thing for me because what you always spit, became lessonlearnt for me. 

You both make my journey here becomes memorable, enjoyable, amazeballll, scumbagaball. Hahah. Everytime i see people walking out from my life, ive always thankful for its not both of you that has been taken. You guys were there during my hardest time (god how many times ive been repeating thiss) but also during my happiest. I never knew until I look back at thos pictures of us, and I remember how you both been waiting outside the Pathology department during my sidang. And hoping i pass my skripsi, thats the most memorable because there was none stood up for me and celebrate the biggest day of my degree life except  YOU TWO.  God can put me in hard situations but not losing my two good friends here. 

K.. Im so emotional because Im sad with my marks although I passed. And honestly I feel so stupid for putting my mental in such imbalance state until I couldnt fully focus on exam. I wont let this happen again. Trust me. 


Nunca Te Olvidare


If only we knew how things would turn out to be.

The person who you are now, is it the person you thought you would grow up to be back then? When we were kids, did we have this image of us right now pictured in our minds? Did we imagine ourselves falling in love, multiple times of changing ones dressing style, experimenting and being complete daredevils, joining big groups that some claim to be their so-called friends, sneaking out till the sunrise, lying to your parents, making mad mistakes that involves a huge change in a persons life, dying your hair red, getting pregnant at the age of 17, learning to drive once high school starts, jetting off to Paris just to fulfill your craving for macaroons (or to Pasar Seni to fulfill your craving for famous amos ice cream), rebel, skip classes to go to the rooftop of your school to smoke up, go clubbing and pass out at an illegal age or make up stories to ruin a persons life?

No, perhaps not. Back then what mattered most was having the best toys and fulfilling your ambition of being a superstar or a dancer or a doctor cause you decided it was professional, or classy or just plain cool. We never worried much cause we had no idea did we, how we would turn out to be. Seeing yourself now, are you proud? Do you like how youre turning out? Course alot of us would love the idea of rewinding time and fixing back shit but you and I both know that is nowhere near possible. If there is one thing thats impossible for sure, it would be having the rewind button in life.

We get upset sometimes, broken hearted. We wish life was much more fair and envy the ones who are asses yet seem to be living life on the fab lane. The good life. I mean, I know what you mean. It is unfair isnt it when say, you being a total smart kid who never once rebelled in life yet never even gotten your first kiss when people your age has already lost their virginity. Dont get me wrong, that is not at all a good thing. You should be thankful you havent gone too far but you do wish you have felt what the other girls, your friends, have. The way they describe things when theyre in love, darn. Your heart burns with jealousy yet all you can do is fake a tiny smile.

Despite the fact that I choose to live life to the fullest, I believe sometimes we should be a little too careful about everything. Making decisions is something we have to face every single day, and it gets tiring doesnt it. Its always a problem when theres too much choices to choose from, and it is too a problemimagewhen we have to choose only between the two. God, did we have any idea how tough life would be? So many things can happen in a second it scares me. Happens all the time. One evening you might be laughing with your girlfriends about a funny boy and that night you might have a big fight with your mom that leads to non stop tears. Funny how life works? Indeed.

Life is too short to not make mistakes, to regret. To not risk something once in a while. When you think about it, what have you got to lose? Theres nothing wrong to say or do something random, ask for a hug when you feel like it, remind someone how much you love them even when theyre not at their lowest, paint a swirl of colours and call it art, or tell everyone what you think of them.

Maybe this is not the girl I thought I would be when I was six. I had no idea, but I love surprises. And this life sure has alot in store for me. I guess my point is I just find it amazing, how when we were younger we were clueless about the future. We were innocent and carefree, and look at us now. Ask yourself, is this the life you wanna be living? No regrets? You do know, that you wont get a second shot in life? Well if it hasnt dawn on you yet, then bless you. With whats going on around, I believe the world is not that far from the end. So its time to balance everything. Praying and avoiding the bad stuff is compulsory, while risking and doing everything yet with boundaries should be done. Remember, lifes short. And what, have you got to lose.

“You are not okay.” “Tipu”

I am not. But I choose to keep it to myself as I was so afraid you would turn out to be like those people who cant accept my flaws, weaknesses and problems. It is not that I do not trust you but I cant see the person I love to walk away from my life like others did. I cant take it anymore. You would be the last person I would ever risk my life to let go.

P/s; I want to keep you. Thats all that matters.

marking the first important page


Im glad i still can tick some of the numbers 🙂

Love lust, mixed signals, growing apart and heartache. But thats growing up.

I have lived for 22 years. And in that amount of years I have breathed and gained experience, I have changed. Multiple times. I have not stayed the same and I have outgrown alot of things. I have fallen into the dark side, and I have seen the light. I have repeated my mistakes, and I have vowed to not do the same thing again. I have made friends with the wrong people, and I have lost the ones I loved most.

But Im human. Yet sometimes I think nobody realizes that.

I was never one to keep quiet about things, because I believe if I have something to say, Ill say it. Well, most of the time, at least. And I never liked hiding the real me because that would make me another hypocrite. I cant handle being a two-faced much either so I usually isolate myself and try my hardest to keep away from the people I dont have much liking for. And the people I call friends? I wouldnt lie to them. But seems to me, that people prefer being lied to than being told the truth. So what do I do, lie? Not be myself? Act like everyone else just so I could keep my friendship?

Sorry, doesnt work for me that way.

I miss alot of things. Countless of people and abounding memories. But Im not sure if these people feel the same way I do, you know? I dont blame them, I blame myself for being such a sentimental freak. But itd be nice to discover someone who understands the way I feel, in fact feel the way I feel. But perhaps thats too much to ask for. I knew something was not right from the beginning, but I keep it to myself. I rather not respond or take action as I believe, its human nature to judge, assume and conclude after hearing from one side. Ahh. Forget it. To think about it back, am I wrong to be different? Am I wrong to have flaws and weaknesses? Put yourself in my shoe, you are lucky you still have not gone through this and so, you can expect everyone to do as much what you believe. Remember, no one has the same point of view like you do.

Letters, borrowed sweaters, scribbles on notes, little gestures, necklaces, random gifts – they are things I hold on to. None of the things have gone to waste as I appreciate the value of that particular something. I may have lost, but I can never forget. Sometimes I have the urge to pick up the phone and make that phone call Ive always wanted to, but then Ill pull back because of fear of bad timing. Something Im not proud of, definitely. I wish I could do something without thinking twice. But I know life is not like what we see in movies. The aftermath may not be what we wish for, what we secretly hope for.

imageNo one appreciates something for long now do they? I dont know anymore. Its like no matter how good you are to someone, one mistake, one wrong conversation, one wrongdoing and thats it. Youre out. I mean like really, what fuckery is this? Human beings are weird. I know Im weird, but at least I know how to forgive, get a grip, and let it go. Unfortunately for me, Im doomed with such adversity. It hurt me so bad to think that ive never tell you about myself but you are trying to fix everything when you should ask me, get to know me and finally conclude in making decision. Or am i wrong here? You were not wrong. You were right from the beginning. But again, put yourself in my shoe.


It will be okay in the end though, wouldnt it? I suppose thats what we tell ourselves and since we are at the beginning point, the end is the only thing we are looking forward to. Question is, what do we do in between? Im tired of feeling terrible about everything, tired of meeting people with the same old attitude, tired of constant letdowns. But doesnt look like I have any other choice now do I. Im exhausted really. But im so lucky, you are not in the list of people i should keep. Because, these people believe in me. They accept me, they tell me the truth, they dont simply give me codes and hints just to change me, and worse, trying to judge as if theyve heard from my side. However, who am I for you to listen? Things like this is one of the reason i have never give any judgement on peoples private stuff especially when it comes to the involvement of other people (especially the ones i may not know anything). Thank God, i do not have friends who would simply minding my private matters and worse, making others feel bad about themself. I can promise and swear i have never tell anyone about my privacy besides the two people ive trusted most. And thank you for making me realise how weak i am for being weird, different from your point of view, and of course, for having this one particular weakness when i thought having him, can help me change. I have promised to myself as i will change to be a better person, to fix what is unfixed and learnt from what you have taught me all this while. I never imagine that having a weakness can be sinner than having a bad proclivity.

Being hopeful and having faith, now thats never gonna change.

To stay is to risk


Realization. It would take so much for one to finally realize. To finally acknowledge how life works. Some learn it the hard way. Some got off easy. I guess when they say its an unfair world they were never kidding.

Over the past few years, months, days.. Ive realized and learnt so much. You have no idea. Every other adults has a story to tell. Well, mine is perhaps not much different than others. But then again, it could perhaps be the most unexpected one. Everybody has a dark past, no matter what age. It could be now, it could be anytime soon. Or it couldve already happened. Life can be best described in one single word. Unpredictable. No exaggerations, because theres life to do all the proving.

People will never fail to surprise you. And as you grow, you will meet a variety of people of so many different forms. There will be people who gets on your nerves, and some who has the ability to sweep you off your feet. Me, I have a large variation. Liars, story makers, low or high self esteem, kind hearted, hearts made of stone, hard ones, easy to fool ones, and so on. Its a wonder how some people can be like this or that, when I can never have the heart to do such thing. Like throwing babies for instance. Heartless is not even the word for it. Hell is the one place they should be heading.

Ive realized that people can change in such a short period of time, its like he or she has already been through something so drastic and you would be left wondering where did the time go. Ive realized mothers can be so understanding it would bring you tears finding out how accepting a mom could be. Ive realized in the end, boys can all be the same, yet rarely but possible to find ones that can prove you wrong. Ive realized girls can turn out to be really pathetic, desperate in fact, when all else fails, or even when all is fine. Ive realized nothing much beats being in the arms of the one you truly love. Ive realized fulfilling a craving is one of the best satisfaction, and that the term “I live to eat” is worth it. Ive realized slow dancing to a beautiful song is a beautiful moment, and so is lying in bed and not budging an inch. Ive realized it is possible for someone to love you more than you love yourself. Ive realized there apparently are still people with big hearts and beautiful souls breathing on this very planet.

Ive realized I am always blessed with such wonderful people. People who are always there for me when in need. People who care, and love me with no limit. Ive also realized.. I was wrong about you. But so right about all my expectations. And in contrary to what you may think, I meant that in a good way. In the best way. And I hope you wouldnt ever let me down. And Im glad I know before I die, I have found someone just like you.


Thus, I would end this post with somekind of realization from Mery’s post that, I am happiness. I create the happiness and beauty of my life. I would go on as much as I can because happiness is to share. And I want to share with YOU and your family. And our future. Whatever things may happen, I will let the God to the rest as He knew whats best for us. If you choose to be with me, to be in my arms when theres no one else in mine, I remind you for this time, I wont let you go.