Cuz the wall can talk

I wish my girlfriends are here.

I can talk to them

I can be with them

I can laugh with them

 

I wont feel this lonely.

Im not 100% depending on my bf. Thats dangerous. Very. But all i have is him. For now. I try to make friends.. close ones. But i cant. Its either theyre my senior or they are not the same species (guys i mean). Because i cant be tooclose with guys. They’ll end up something else and id rather choose to stay away from it.

 

Now i have no one. I still have my squad. But they are boys.. and they have gfs. Which i respect them n i keep my limit as a friend.

 

I wish i have my gfs here.

I have no one to talk to.

I do socialize but thats not a ticket for me to tell them everything..

I really wish they are here… 😭😭

 

 

 

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Luctensity

im gonna write this down so if theres a time i truly mad at him or hate him, would probably read this back and remind me how much i love him.

 

1) i remember the first time i saw him in DU. 1st day of orientation. Remember natasha, how strong the feeling was

2)  he was so ‘detail’ as in i fell in love withhis personality as he set his own time during the ice breaking session

3) i love how his face will turn red when he got mad or excited. Especially watching him debate :p

4) i love how he always remind me to not talk about otherpeople or think bad about them..

5) i know he loves me. He has his own way of showing it

6) he always be the water to my fire. He never fights back. He waited for me to cool down before he talks about it (- although i hate when he is not talking)

7) i love how he try to impress my mother. Especially makan laksa and habis kan laksa

8) i love the wayhe help us out at the airport and at unimas. He showed us that we can actually rely on him cuz he knw what to do

9) i love to see how obedient he is towards hos parents :’)

10) i know he tried his best to drink up the chatime althought it was very sweet because it was my treat so he felt terrible if he dint take it.

11) he tried his best to not make things awkward because he never go out with girls before (as in dating or just two of them)

12) he doesnt know what to reply but still he try to…. i know and i hope he realise that everytime i ended up our chat is because i was kesian …. tatau nak balas apa juga 😭😭

13) i dont wanna change him but i expect him to be better.

14) he try his best to open up with me and he is improving

 

dear natasha,

at times you gotta be more patience with him. It takes time.. and keep learning about him. Love all these little stuff about him and everytime you feel broken, reread this back and remember those wonderful moments.. you love him so much. Dint give up in fighting this relationship 💪

Null

i dont know who else is with me

i hate when guys trying to be closed with me

or i hate when they start having any intention on getting more than just friends

 

its like i have this tingling when it happens. I hate when there are guys at the field when i jog, i feel like they are staring at me.

 

Call me paranoid

but thats what i feel.

 

I dont know who else could understand me when i try to get away from them. Its like part of ‘jaga diri’ but they want me to be friendlier.

 

idk how to explain this.

idk who else i could talk to.

 

 

I may look normal

But im not.

Feels like theres some part of me actually still paranoid over guys. After some experiences.

 

When i try to be loyal or stick to one, they will start to question ‘are you sure about that?’

 

yes im sure.

i think so.

 

 

im so messed up.

i told diana about this. I miss everyone. I miss everyone i could talk to. I dont have anyone here. Neither my bf who barely text me and sometime would leave our conversation.

 

I miss my friends.

To the man i love.

IMG_2593.PNGUndeniably missing Sarawak and Luqman Arif

 

what you are lookingnow is just a picture. But theres more. I come to realise on how precious is this relationship is. Im not sure how you think about it. But everytime i read about negativity in relationship, i realised that im so blessed to have you. To choose you. Over other men. YOu are not perfect. Sometimes i can get so mad at you especially your attitude leaving our conversations when im half way texting/explaining to you…

I dont know where this leads to..

Im not sure whether we end up being happily ever after or youre just part of my life lesson learned.

 

But for now, thank you for everything.

Ive seen how broken someone can be when they went through a toxic relationship. Ive seen how broken someone can be when they are being cheated by their partner… Ive seen it all.

 

For now, im so thankful to have you. We are miles apart, we cant date everyweek like others do, but relationship is not just about seeing each other. But the love and trust we held together. Thank you for staying, thank you for loving me although you dont show it but making me your only one is more than enough.  I do not expect you to be like those guys who bring flowers for their gf, ive talked about this so many times. Enough with your commitment in this relationship. Because thats what makes me so happy each day i wake up knowing theres someone i miss and you have always been the reason for me to be better everyday. I know im tour potato haha but theres so many things i have to improve. Im glad youre the reason behind it.

 

I keep on giving myself reasons to be patience… i do believe you are the one. And i hope you feel the same thing. I have flaws that some people cant accept them. And you choose to stay :’)

 

thank you for everything. Im writing this because i feel so blessed to have you and your fanily. They are so good to me. ❤️❤️ Everytime i read all those heart broken stories (you know how i can easilu affected by them) they remind me of you because you have been such a great partner everyone can ever ask for!

 

When will i see you again?

i miss you

Tea and ee

Siapa lagi?

Kalo mau cerita, emang orang pasti bakal kerasa aneh. Kok bisa?

 

Dia sih ga perfect dimata orang. Tapi pastinya perfect di mata natasha.

Orang nya bukan tipe lovey dovey, yang ngebakal ngadih tau loh segala isi hati, segala kata jata manis

Orangnya bukan tipe manggil sayang kek, cinta kek apa lagi omong ilove you. Tapi yang pasti, kalau dia omong segitu, pasti boong. Fix.

Orangnya bukan tipe telfonan, ngajak video call kek apa kek. Nge text aja jarang. Tapi setiap hari sih.

Orangnya ga seperti pacar kalian. Jauh beda. Ketemu aja sekali setahun.

Ngomong tentang masa depan? Ga pernah. Ga tau juga kedepannya gimana 😪

Ga bisa ngedate setiap minggu setiap bulan kayak kalian, ga ngasi bunga apalagi, tapi ngasi puzzle ❤️

 

Kangen sih. Lumayan iri kalau liat temanya bisa seenak keluar sama nya.

 

Tapi gimana bisa sayang?

kerna selama hidup 24 tahun plus plus, udah kenal cowok itu gimana gimana. Kita cewek ga butuh cowok sweet gilak. Itu semua bonus.

 

Tapi kita butuh cowok yang setia. Cowok yang mungkin beda dari orang lain, cowok yang mungkin sekarang ga perfect tapi yakin dia tipe setia. butuh itu aja sih. Kerna capek liat realitas dunia. Selingkuh dimana mana. Setia udah jadi rare banget.

 

kalau dia ga?

 

yaudah la.

Celebes

i know some things can change. like when you really love someone but end up hating them. Or perhaps you really love them but somethings going on and you have to stop.

 

5 years in Indonesia and ive met alot of people that come and go. But these people here, i never stop thinking about them cuz I really miss them. I never had any relationship with anyone (apart from my family) that i feel.. home. Who are they? Family Makassar. Tante Ros, Om Hamzah, Indri, kak Innah and everyone in Panakkukang. Tante and om are like my own parents. Whenever i think about thm, i can only pray for their health and happiness. I love them like my own parents.

And Indri? Shes like my sister. I hope shes doing okay. I hope she doesnt think that I hate her or ive forgotten her. I hope she can persue in whatever she loves, I hope she found her true prince, I hope she found a sister who can be there for her and I hope shes happy.

as for others, im sorry. For whatever ive done. They are like my family too. But for some stuff, i have to let things go.

 

I miss everyone. For all things that happened, people will call me stupid cuz i still love them like my own family. 3 years ++ with them. I shall never forget these good memories ❤️

740 words

IMG_1481IMG_1411IMG_1344IMG_1399IMG_1343

7 years ago. I met this guy who I secretly in love with. Called him BU. So people wont know i had crush on him except my close friends of course.

We became friends. And now we are this close. We dont have anniversary. Im not sure when we started it but here we are.

Im not gonna takk about how good he is because girls would fall for him.. hahah. But im glad i have him and despite flaws i have, he stays.

It has been awhile since the last time I planned out my outfit, make ups, attitude… just to make good impression for his family. Ive never been this happy. Honestly when i see how my mom can communicate well with his mom and aunty, im glad i met him. This is the first time experience… ive never brought anyone , any family to come and meet my mom. I felt scared at the same time happy. Im scared if they cant accept me or im not what they were expecting. His family was lovely. His mom, dad, aunt, everyone. I felt very welcome. Could you imagine? First time having this kind of experience…

 

i was very scared. And at the airport i keep asking my mom ‘what if diorg tak terima tasha? What if diorg tak nak org mcm tasha’ ‘tasha okay tak ma?’ ‘Kita okay tak?’

Mom said. ‘He came from a good family. You are blessed to have him’

and i asked her ‘what if keluarga tak terima?’

mom : bukan jodoh awak.

 

Nearly cried. I know ive tried my best. If he is not the one, its okay. Probably jodoh masih tersangkut mana mana.

 

Then bapak called the next day.

He asked me a very serious question. ‘Da berapa lama tasha dengan dia?’

Me : ntah. Da nak dekat 7 tahun kenal.

bapak : ada jodoh ada la. Tasha jangan paksa ya.

 

then today during sahur. MOm told me about aunty gee’s son and she want to jodohkan her son with me. Mom said ‘shes going steady with her friend in sarawak’ hahahh. Wahhh. An then… She suddenly cerita about her past. She told me about her bf during highschool and she waited for him till he cme back from theUS. She had the guysto ask him ‘when are you going to settle down?’ The guy just said ‘dunno’. So mom left him and after a year she met daddy and got married. Last fewweeks she found her highschool love and they talkedabout their past. And the guy asked my mom about her feeling towardshim and why she left. Mom told him everything and the guy regretted + he toldmom ‘i didnt know your feelings towards me andi dont have any courage to ask’. Mum said ‘this is fate. My husband ismy jodoh. Perhaps its thebest for both of us’

 

after that mum told me To not repeat her mistake. Ask luqman when he is going to settle down and has he told you about his future. Does he really wants you as much as you want him?

 

I remain silent.

 

this evening i receive kad jemputan kawin a friend of mine getting married and was shock to know shes not gonna get married with her bf (i kenal bf dia) .. then i ask her bla bla bla. Almost the same like mama. But a bit different.

 

These two stories gave me headache and distracting my job.

 

If you were to ask me, when i wanna get married. I can say TOMORROW! But i have no money. And it will be selfish without thinking of my partner. Semua perempuan nak kawin cepat.

i still havent ask luqman. About what mom wants me to ask. Honestly i wanna get married or at least bertunang or merisik (i dont prefer bertunang) as soon as possible. Because i know we are going to be far apart during hospital attachment. Im not sure im going to get sarawak.. but for suremesti jauh.

 

Then again, luqman is a very focus person. He prioritize his job over everything. Ive seen during his pre u and degree life. I decided to keep it. He knows when the time will come. This time its his job to decide. Ive been chasing him over years but not this one. Hahah. I know he will think about it. Im not gonna paksa him or wtv. Even ask him… takut pressure and i might lose him… i dont want to.

 

Whoah. A long post ey. 😪 Time to sleep. Night!

 

Friends

Today i went back Malaysia for good. My mind keeps on reminiscing all the bad and good times in Surabaya.. i was thinking, will i survive this journey without friends?

 

No.

 

Friends are like sugar in your coffee. Or milk. They turn from bitter taste to sweet and acceptable taste to drink… ive learnt that, its true that ‘friends before dicks’.

 

My friends were there when everything turns upside down. I know sometimes i prefer to be alone but at times, their presence means everything.

 

Cant explain them into words anymore.

i miss my surabaya friends. Nah. Family.

Seterong

What is strong?

  • strong is when you try to forgive the person you hate most
  • strong is when you try to move on and forget everything
  • strong is when your friends ajak pergi clubbing and you try tak pergi
  • strong is when your friends keep asking you shit questions about your relationship and you still tell them how much you love your partner
  • strong is when your dad buang barang diy
  • strong is when you try not to cry when people said LDR sucks and banyak case selingkuh
  • Strong is when your pasien suka PHP but you sabar
  • strong is when your pasien tak datang ikut appointment but wtv
  • strong is when you cant graduate because system mcm shit but wtv (again)
  • strong is when you still hold on to the relationship although your partner is kaki pukul and baling kasut
  • strong is when you try to forgive your partner yang suka selingkuh
  • strong is when you try not to cry during prayers because you try to make lovely communication with you Bae (Allah swt)
  • strong is when you try pekakkan telinga dengan mulut orang
  • strong is when you try to keep your feelings away because your relationship is much precious than your emosi yang tak betul.
  • Strong is when ada kawan yang autis tapi ajak keluar
  • strong is when you still love your partner eventhough dia rosakkan cake ulang tahun
  • strong is when knowing your car broke down in the middle of the road

 

strong is us. Statements above dont just imply on me actually. Mix up with orang lain. Haha.

Strong is natasha.